what if I really wrote the truth about how I feel and what I think…
would that be OK?? would it be legal?? so long as they were just feelings and not plans, would it be safe to put those words out there? would I be loved more? would I be loved less?? could I be loved less???
something has been wrong with me all day and all night. tears keep coming out of nowhere the last few days. life, as I know it…is too hard for me the way things are. honestly, it is too fucking hard.
wish, wish, wishing again and wishing harder that I could explain what my illness(es) have done to me and how I am so much more limited now. nobody gets it. NOBODY GETS IT. worst of all, only really two people care.
even the therapists office that seemed so concerned in “saving my life” won’t even call or e-mail me to see if I am OK. all they had to say to me was, you owe us money. they fucking turned a most tragic day into a memory that will haunt me until the day I do finally die. and they somehow now expect I’m OK. NO!!!! now I am worse!!! well, they have their $25 dollars. and they have a file on a girl who is extremely FUCKED UP!!! and they have my phone number(s). they have my e-mail. and nothing. not one single card or note or voice mail saying I hope you are OK Kimberly, and we’d like to be of assistance to you again.
I kinda feel like nobody wants to deal with me again, after dealing with me for a while. unlike some patients people, I am not an easy fix. my problems cannot go away. the only method of help for me, is medication to calm my constant anxiety and tools to help me cope with things that will never go away, that will never be repaired…that will only get worse.
I tried. I tried so fucking hard. I want to scream at certain people for hours over how hard I myself have tried. I will continue to try.
but I would sell my soul to the devil (if only I believed in him) if just one person in my life could truly understand how hard my life will forever be, and how alone I will forever be…and what that does…
to only me…
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