This is going to be a rough one to do….and keeping it honest will be painful in many ways and the boundaries of just what has been lost and what has been found can become blurred ….. even now I pause and think about deleting this and doing something else….. a sure sign I really need to do this one. So what have I lost that could be more painful than some of the things I’ve already posted? The core of my strength or was this what I found? That’s why the boundaries can be blurred……I’ve said before that my church had been there for me and their help was part of what kept me and my children with a roof over our head and food on the table….. with out their help I have no doubt that we would have been homeless after I became too ill to work and lost my job when my employer was told I was going to file a claim on my long term disability insurance that I had through them {whole another story}. So am I counting the help from my church as a found or loss? I am listing it as a loss….. a very deep loss. Everyone was willing to help us…… but the more involved they became the worse things got ….. they didn’t understand my illness…. they would look at me and see nothing wrong…… why didn’t I clean my house better? After all I’m there full time….. just what did I do with all my time? Why can’t I make it to church every Sunday? I was told to go back to my former employer and tell them I would go back to work and not have any sick time and would take any job they had open even if it was in housekeeping{his words not mine}….. just note I was a RN for 23 years and had topped out on my hourly rate…and the person at my Church telling me this worked in the administration of my former employer….. he just didn’t get it….just a quick note here so that I won’t forget this same person about six months later both his wife and daughter were diagnosed with FMS….. I pray for them….. but back on topic….. things got much worse when my COBRA insurance ran out and I needed help with my medications…..one cost over $500. for 30days and that one was a pain medication. I had finally gotten through to my doctor that I needed pain relief and over the counter wasn’t working and we had already tried everything else. NOW everyone at my church thought I was a drug addict and one also thought I was an alcoholic and would come up and smell my breath when she said she wanted a hug……the tremors in my hands can be really bad some days….I was told that it was only pain and I should just ignore it and keep on going…. I was weak…..one said he had cancer and went through chemo and THAT was pain….not what I have…. I was told that a person had cancer and worked up to the day before he died, never took any pain medication and never missed a days work…. I just needed to put my mind to it and try harder and just learn to live with some pain. Even after I spent a week in ICU tiring to fight off a viral respiratory infection …. not once but twice! Ended up with brain damage, diabetes, high blood pressure, COPD and on O2, sleep apnea, psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis and a whole long list of other stuff……then it was OK to take some medications to treat those things but not the pain medications…. for that you just must be tough. I lost a big support group that I thought would always be there and not be judgemental…. people who I thought knew me enough to know I wasn’t faking it just to get and use “drugs” pain medication….. people who now look at me differently when I do try and make it to church… the talk and whispers or the way they react when they see me and abruptly turn the other way and walk off at a brisk pace…{not an all out run but close!}. The one place I could always count on to feel peace, comfort and safety within the wall of that church building and I say that because no matter where I’ve lived and attended the church of my faith none felt the same as the one where I went the most while growing up and was baptized . {we attend a church based on where we live so if you move they will mail your church records to the church we will assigned } Now this is a lot about what I lost and if you are reading this you most likely are thinking is this a novel or a post and just how long is the “found” gonna be? Well, it will not be all that long because what I found was that my faith should not be about the people in my church because they are just that “people” no better and no worse than me…. yeah that’s right… no better than me. They have faults and are just as able to misunderstand things as the next person….. I had put them up on a pedestal and made them perfect and thought they had the power to read my heart and soul…. and I found I was wrong. I found that my faith and strength comes from a high power than them or me. I found that the feeling I got at church wasn’t because of the people inside the building but was the spirit of my higher power that resides with in those sanctified walls……. now if I could go and sit in a room alone at my church I’d be there in a skinny minute…… OK a very fat minute I know I’m slowwwww now. Also I can find my peace even at home as I study my church’s teaching. Yes, I miss the fellowship that I lost but I have found where my faith truly comes from and that is more important. Now that I purged this from my heart maybe someone else can benefit from this lost and found….. maybe that is why I have felt the need to tell this or maybe just needed to do this for me….. either way now I can move on in peace until our paths cross again…….. Lila
PLEASE NOTE IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST AND YOU ARE NOT ON THE WEB SITE “LILA LOST IN THE FIBRO FOG…” THEN WHAT YOU ARE READING HAS BEEN STOLEN AND IS BEING USED WITHOUT MY AUTHORITY AND I HOPE YOUO WILL COME TO MY WEB SITE BLOG AT WORDPRESS http://www.lilabyrdakabirdladybyday.wordpress.com
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