Have I been judgmental of disabled people? I never thought so… but I’ve never been one either. Until the past few years. But I’ve been judging myself for my lack of ability to do anything. I’ve berated myself for my laziness and motivation, kicking myself… trying to make my body do what it used to… and it just doesn’t listen!
I have gone from an independent person, to an invalid. Basically that is the deal. And I’ve fought it…. to no avail. My body has not cooperated.
Whether this ends up being chronic fatigue or something else, I have not been able to do much of anything for nearly 2 years now. It has been longer, but the worst of it hit right after my father’s death the end of June, 2008. I am just beginning to be able to do some things if I rest up for it.
I’ve never been skinny… far from it… but I have enjoyed a very independent life. I’ve been able to do what I’ve wanted. I’ve never been in perfect health or shape… but I’ve always enjoyed exercise and weight training when I could fit it into my life. Right now, the old ladies in the arthritis swim class can kick my butt… I can’t keep up with them. Aaargh! And they go 3 times a week… I can barely handle once, because it takes me a week (no joke) to recover for the next class.
I was even too wiped out to keep up on here for most of it. It has taken everything I have to take care of my 4 kids… and even then, only the basics! I miss you all…
I’m seeing a new doctor, a neurologist, who is doing a slew of tests… so we’ll see what it comes down to. But I finally have to accept the fact that for the time being, this body has stopped working the way it is meant to work. I hope it starts again soon, because I am feeling just enough better now to be BORED SILLY!!!! And really depressed.
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