I haven’t been seriously depressed for about a month now. The Pristiq made me very-very-happy at first which lead to a minor burnout, but now everything seems to have stabilised and I haven’t had any strange thoughts or hallucinations or compulsions. Admittedly, I have been breaking down into hysterical tears & contemplating overdosing or stopping all my medication completely, but this isn’t depression–this is me being overwhelmed by everything and completely at the end of my tether with all things medical.
I have a swelling at the base of my spine.The swelling has gone down a bit now, but it’s been very painful and hot to the touch. I can’t bend properly. Sometimes I can’t walk properly because the stiffness radiates out to my hips. I’ve had stiffness and pain and spasms in that area for seven months, but this swelling isn’t likely to be fibromyalgia as that doesn’t cause inflammation. However, I’m not actually sure what it is and none of the options appear to be nice ones. When the first words out of your GP’s mouth are ‘Any history of ankylosing spondylitis in the family?’ you kind of want to just stab yourself and have done with it. (Incidentally, I almost died of shock when my mum said ‘oh, your granddad has that!’ yesterday. Turns out he has spondylitis in the neck, not ankylosing spondylitis–but omfg, almost had a heart attack.)
I’ve had an X-ray and an ultrasound done. They were both incredibly painful experiences, but the results were completely normal. So yay, I don’t have a tumour? And yay, my bones haven’t fused together? That’s something at least. But I’m still waiting for the results of my blood tests to see if my rheumatoid factor has gone up or if my white count is elevated as I could have a spine infection. My rheumatoid factor was normal last time I had the test done, in June, but apparently you can be symptomatic for a while before things show up in the bloodwork. Also, there is a family history of rheumatoid arthritis. That being said, the x-ray didn’t indicate any bone deterioration so maybe this is just a soft tissue problem.
So tired with all of this. I can’t face the thought of seeing any of my doctors. I burst into tears last time I saw the endocrinologist because she was talking about radioactive iodine therapy again as my thyroid just WON’T give up, and I can’t deal with that. I just can’t. I just can’t be bothered any more. I’m sick of things going wrong. I’m sick of being disappointed when tests come back normal–it’s not that I WANT a horrible disease because I don’t. I just want to know what’s wrong with me so I can fix it and move on.
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